I met someone. The details how aren’t exactly important. We met years ago, and nothing came from it. Then one day I get a hey how are you message. Things escalated from there to talking every day. Eventually we hung out in person and it was great.
Some where in that two month span of reconnecting, I fell in love. I have always developed feelings early on, and while it was completely unexpected, it happened. I dealt with that in silence for a while, and then confessed it to my best friend during a sleepover. I felt immediately better talking to her about it.
Now here’s where the situation gets complicated. Let me give you a little back story on my romantic life over the last few years before I continue.
I am pansexual and polyamorous.
I have been in a relationship with a man for the last 6 years of my life. Two years ago I started dating a second guy, and we are now two years in.
I use to identify as bisexual. Then I met the person who this whole story is about, and they told me from the start of the re-connection that they are transitioning, male to female. So hence, pansexual. Now that you know this, I will refer to this person as “her”.
Back to present time, its November 10th. I am going with her to her best friends house to meet him and his wife. I have pretty terrible social anxiety so I was doing my best to not freak out. I was welcomed and had a great time. She followed me back to my apartment to stay the night, which wasn’t the first time.
We got drunk and had a good time. It was some where past midnight, where I spit all of my feelings out. There was no possible way I could hold them in any longer.
I said the three words. And I was damn surprised when I heard them back in response. Then, I asked her if she would be my girlfriend. She said yes. I cried.
It’s a happy ending. Were you expecting otherwise? Because I was expecting to be turned down, hard.
So now, I’m in three relationships. Weird huh? None of my friends know yet, and I’m sure she hasn’t told anyone yet either.
I will say what I have to say next knowing that I tend to overthink and worry. I realize that as I write this that yes, its only been a day. But even prior to being in a relationship with her, certain things rubbed me the wrong way? Is that the proper wording for how I’m feeling? I don’t know, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions.
I feel a certain distance. I always have. She is a very complex person, with a lot of accomplishments, a lot of people in her life. I am the opposite. She is almost intimidating. But so damn attractive to me.
She is a not so great texter. I’m a millennial, and so is she for the record, our phones are always on us lets be honest. I’m the kind of person who says things like ” text me when you’re up” or “let me know when you’re going to work” or “let me know when you’re going out to the bar with your friends” and sometimes, most of the time, that doesn’t happen. Sometimes I wont get a message for hours. Let me make it clear that this isn’t long distance, we only live 30 minutes away from each other. But a text here and there is nice, and I can’t just say “hey I’m coming over”, because she lives with her parents. The pattern has been, I see her once a week. I realize we’re adults and have to work and have lives, but its so damn hard when you’re trying to get to know a person and establish something. Especially when all you want to do is spend all your free time with them.
Something I should mention is that she just got out of a 7 year relationship in July, I think it was. And I know what you’re thinking now, but I specifically asked her if she was ready. Her and this person still text, daily she admitted, but its limited to hi how are you type of conversations. It throws a red flag at me, because even though I’m poly, I still get jealous. Everyone gets jealous. There isn’t a person on this planet who can’t say they’re not jealous. Unless you’re asexual, but that’s not the point. It threw me off a bit. It made me feel weird. There will come a point where I expect them to not text daily, and I think that’s a reasonable expectation. I think its not healthy, if she is really trying to break things off with this person. She stated that she only wants a relationship with me even though I am currently poly. Do I think she’s not fully over her ex yet? Yes. I think there’s something there still. It scares me, scares me for reasons I will mention in a later post.
But back to the original point I was trying to make.
I know the most basic parts of her life. But there are so many things I just want to know. The rational part of my brain is telling me that it will come in time, and I know that’s probably true. But why do I feel so damn insignificant right now?
Why?
Thank you for listening.
The Road Goes Ever On 